Got the news today on my latest CTscan, some great news and some not so good news.
- The Good news: Last Friday’s recent scan showed relative stability with the tumors in my lungs and kidneys, this is with no cancer treatments whatsoever in over 8 months.
- The not so good news: The nodule in my bladder now measures 5 x 4.2 cm, previous 3 x 3 cm as measured 5/01/19 about 75 days ago.
After initially reviewing the scan with my oncologist, we discussed the progression of my cancer, and how I may have to have my kidney and my bladder eventually removed. I guess I’ve always known the end game; however, it is sometimes difficult to review this inevidible end of your life.
Then to move the conversation on, it was suggested that I would need to see what the urologist said, considering bladders and kidneys fall under their purview! We also discussed the miracle of kidney dialysis, another great option. Not sure if I would rather have organs removed or experience kidney dialysis? Then, of course, we always have the old school chemotherapy still available.
Thank God I had just signed some paperwork confirming that :
- I was not thinking about killing myself.
- I was not depressed
After I left the cancer center I pulled into a parking lot to think for a few minutes, o.k. the parking lot was in a Portillo’s Drive-In. My doctor visit was somewhat disturbing since I’ve already decided no more chemotherapy, no kidney dialysis, and most likely, no multiple organ removals. If the end is near I need to be a few steps ahead of the end. Pretty hard to drive off into the sunset if you are incapacitated! Not really afraid so much as the high anxiety thing, fortunately I still have an illegal smile to deal with that.
I am most concerned with losing the ability be able to care for myself. In addition I don’t think my system tolerates much chemo action. I’ve seen a few more folks than I like experiencing the wonders of chemo infusion, radiation and dialysis. At a certain time it’s time to say, Happy Trails Until We Meet Again. Knowing when that time is close at hand, it’s time to do what needs to be done, period.
Seriously, I thought that since my lungs and kidney’s were somewhat stable, I’ve been able to manage the bladder tumors in the past with mild surgery every few years. Bring on the roto-rooter and clean out my bladder one more time.
So I’m packing my bags and heading for Las Vegas with some likely urologist surgery fun. The repair time is pretty quick, if it doesn’t kill you. Then it’s time to crank up the adventure thing. Might not be here for a long time, but I am here for a good time. Enjoy your day, everyday.
Ready to get out of this humid midwest and spend a little time in the 107 degree earth quake zone called Las Vegas. One more tip, only for those friends who still smoke cigarettes, my cancer was most certainly the cause primarily from smoking period. I always thought I was invincible and I was wrong.
One thought on “Worried with a little anxiety, when it is time to walk the walk …”
Ongoing prayers Harry, prayers for your well being within yourself. My friend Trudy lay on her death bed and with teary eyes told me she wished I could go too to experience the heavenly home with her. As you well know Harry as we draw closer to that real personal relationship to Father the more we want to be with him. My goal is the same as yours my brother. It’s win win either way. ❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person